POSH
My Child Was Asked To Keep A Secret Online
Secrecy is one of the clearest early warning signs.
Safe people do not need secrets from parents or trusted adults.
Use this page if someone has told your child:
“Don’t tell your parents,” “this is just between us,” “they wouldn’t understand,” or anything similar.
Early warning sign page
SECRECY CREATES CONTROL
When someone asks a child to keep a secret, they are trying to remove protection, reduce visibility, and gain control over the situation.
POSH rule:
If someone asks a child to hide something from a safe adult, that situation needs a safety check immediately.
Why secrecy matters
Secrecy removes adult protection.
Secrecy creates a private space where behaviour can escalate.
Secrecy makes the child feel responsible for protecting the other person.
Secrecy allows pressure, manipulation, or grooming to grow.
A safe person will never need your child to hide something from you.
What secrecy can sound like
“Don’t tell your parents.”
“This is just between us.”
“They wouldn’t understand.”
“You’ll get in trouble if you tell.”
“I’ll get in trouble if you tell.”
“This is our secret.”
“Promise you won’t tell anyone.”
Even if it sounds harmless, secrecy is a boundary that should not be crossed.
How secrecy is used
Friendly contact
↓
Trust building
↓
Small secret introduced
↓
Bigger secrecy
↓
Control or manipulation
Secrecy often starts small and grows over time.
Why children may agree to secrecy
- They do not see the risk yet
- The person feels like a friend
- They do not want to get in trouble
- They feel special or trusted
- They feel responsible for the other person
- They are curious or unsure
- They are afraid of consequences
This is not about blame. It is about recognising the pattern.
What secrecy can lead to
- Private conversations moving to hidden apps
- Requests for photos, videos, or personal details
- Emotional dependency or control
- Pressure to meet in real life
- Threats, guilt, or blackmail
Secrecy is often the step before escalation.
High-risk signs
The person insists on secrecy repeatedly
The person becomes angry if your child tells someone
The person uses guilt (“you’ll get me in trouble”)
The person pressures your child to prove trust
The person combines secrecy with requests for photos or personal details
If secrecy is combined with pressure or requests, act immediately.
What parents should do
- Stay calm so your child keeps talking
- Ask what was said and how it started
- Check messages and accounts
- Save evidence before deleting anything
- Explain why secrecy is unsafe
- Set clear boundaries around communication
- Stop unsafe contact if needed
The goal is to restore visibility and safety.
What to say to your child
“You are not in trouble for telling me.”
“Safe people don’t ask kids to keep secrets from parents.”
“If someone needs secrecy, we need to check why.”
“My job is to protect you, not get you in trouble.”
“You can always tell me, even if you’re unsure.”
Teach the difference: secret vs surprise
Surprise: short-term, safe, eventually shared (e.g. a gift)
Secret: ongoing, hidden, creates pressure or fear
Children need to understand that ongoing secrets with strangers are not safe.
Questions that help children think
“Why do they want this to stay secret?”
“Would a safe person be okay with you telling me?”
“Do you feel calm or pressured?”
“Would you tell a friend this is safe?”
“What would happen if you said no?”
Questions build awareness without forcing confrontation.
Teach this rule early
No secrets with people you meet online
No private conversations that cannot be shared
No protecting someone over your own safety
If someone asks for secrecy, tell a safe adult
The earlier this rule is taught, the easier it is to prevent escalation.
Final POSH reminder
Secrecy removes protection.
Secrecy creates control.
Safe people do not need secrets.
If someone asks your child to keep a secret, slow it down and check it immediately.